Number of booty short wedgies I saw being discreetly tugged at by girlies – 10,000.
Number of booty short booties I saw being clocked by male festival goers – 10,000.
Actually, those numbers might be lowball, considering 70,000 tickets were sold for HARD Summer music festival, held this past weekend, August 3 and 4, at LA State Historic Park.
Let’s round up to… a million butt cheeks bouncing to 2 Chainz playing “Bubble Butt” on the main HARD Stage on Saturday in the sun, and a billion butts clapping along on Sunday to Flosstradamus bumping a trapped out mix of “Face down, ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck.”
The HARD lineup was more than just tweetable twerkable moments though. So this write-up will stop being so ass-focused now and actually discuss the music at HARD. (Sorry, if you were just here for the butts.)
Question: Why did they have Disclosure play in this tiny ass tent called the Underground Stage? Disclosure was one of the most anticipated acts of the day and they were jammed into what I think was the smallest stage area. It was packed out with runoff beyond the edges of the tent, which got so hot it was getting to vision quest sweat lodge levels. “When a Fire Starts to Burn” is right. Totally worth having my hair curl up though to listen to these 2 super young (19 and 22) brothers from the UK play their garagy 2-steppy housy tracks.
Meeting in the ladies’ room: The VIP bathroom had an awesome attendant mothering all the girls and making cheery small talk throughout her literally shit job. You gotta love people who do anything and everything with a smile. One girl came in and the attendant straight up told her she stunk and she should use the complimentary deodorant spray. At the end of day two, I saw her hug another girl at the end of the night like they had truly bonded over the weekend.
Quick tip: This was just a great drawing on the tip jar at the pizza slice joint on site. Boner.
Bromance: Gesaffelstein, will you marry me? We don’t even have to speak. We can just stare at things together. Movies. Horizons. Festival crowds. CDJs. Anything you want.
Happy Birthday, Ed: Across the venue from Gesaffelstein were fellow Frenchmen from the Ed Banger Records crew, celebrating their 10-year anniversary on Sunday at the Summer Stage. Brodinski, the other half of Gesaffelstein’s Bromance, was so cool with his dark sunglasses, cigarette dangling, and fresh coconut and straw next to his mixer and decks. Breakbot was also looking sharp and saviorly in his cream suit. I was surprised that Mr. Oizo looked like someone’s uncle on a fishing trip, but the tracks he played were nasty good. At the end of the night, Gary Richards lit some sparklers on a big chocolate cake and the boys from Justice joined up with Busy P and Breakbot for some celebratory photo ops and silly string spraying.
ALICE GLASS, YOU GUYS: Alice Glass was in her wonderland, as ever, for her Crystal Castles set Sunday afternoon. I was in the photo pit hoping to capture some of the magic for you strangers, when suddenly security made us all leave the pit area just as Alice was about to make her entrance. BOO. But, wait! It was because the band wanted all photogs ON STAGE! I almost peed. I hurried up onto the stage and photo’ed my little heart out. Alice screamed and writhed her way through songs like “Untrust Us” and “Vanished,” jumping on the drum kit and dragging around her mic stand like a deranged doll. In between bursts of awesome, she would trudge over to the side stage where I was standing and I saw her mouth the word VODKA to someone. She was promptly handed a bottle of Ketel One to chug from, and a cigarette. She visited the bottle a lot before finally just bringing it on stage with her.
So much HARD: Too HARD to write any more about HARD. I’ll let the rest of these pictures do their worth-a-thousand-words thing.